MURPHY'S LAW
    If anything can go wrong, it will.

O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY
    Murphy was an optimist.

MURPHY'S FIRST COROLLARY
    Nothing is as easy as it looks.

MURPHY'S SECOND COROLLARY
    Everything takes longer than you think.

MURPHY'S THIRD COROLLARY
    If there is a possibility of several things
    going wrong, the one that will cause the most
    damage will be the one to go wrong.

MURPHY'S FOURTH COROLLARY
    Whenever you set out to do something,
    something else must be done first.

MURPHY'S FIFTH COROLLARY
    Every solution breeds new problems.

MURPHY'S SIXTH COROLLARY
    It is impossible to make anything
    foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

MURPHY'S SEVENTH COROLLARY
    Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

MURPHY'S EIGHTH COROLLARY
    Left to themselves, things tend to go
    from bad to worse.

MURPHY'S CONSTANT
    Matter will be damaged in direct proportion
    to its value.

HILL'S COMMENTARIES ON MURPHY'S LAW
    1.If we have much to lose by having things go wrong,
      take all possible care.
    2.If we have nothing to lose, relax.
    3.If we have everything to gain, relax.
    4.If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

BOLING'S POSTULATE
    If you're feeling good, don't worry.
    you'll get over it.

MURPHY'S LAW OF MULTIPLES
    If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a
    procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way
    will promptly develop.

THE ORDERING PRINCIPLE
    The supplies necessary for yesterday's
    work must be ordered no later then noon tomorrow.

CHISHOLM'S LAW
    When things just can't get any worse, they will.

CHISHOLM'S COMMENTARY
    Anytime things appear to be going better,
    you have overlooked something.

SCOTT'S FIRST LAW
    No matter what goes wrong, it will probably
    look right.

SCOTT'S SECOND LAW
    When an error has been detected and corrected
    it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW
    If an experiment works, something has gone wrong

FINAGLE'S SECOND LAW
    No matter what the anticipated result,
    there will always be someone eager to
    (a) misinterpret it,
    (b) fake it, or
    (c) believe it happened to his own pet theory.

FINAGLE'S THIRD LAW
    In any collection of data, the figure most
    obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

COROLLARIES
    1. No one whom you ask for help will see it.
    2. Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it
       immediately.

FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW
    Once a job is fouled up, anything done to
    improve it only makes it worse.

WINGO'S AXIOM
    All Finagle's Laws may be bypassed by learning
    the simple art of doing without thinking.

SIMON'S LAW
    Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

GUMPERSON'S LAW
    The probability of anything happening is in
    inverse ratio to its desirability.

ISSAWI'S LAWS OF PROGRESS
    The Course of Progress:
      Most things get steadily worse.
    The Path of Progress:
      A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS
    Things get worse under pressure.

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW
    As soon as you mention something....
      ... if it's good, it goes away.
      ... if it's bad, it happens.

STURGEON'S LAW
    90% of everything is crud.

STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM
    If it looks easy, it's tough.
    If it looks tough, it's impossible.

COMMONER'S SECOND LAW OF ECOLOGY
    Nothing ever goes away.

HOWE'S LAW
    Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

GINSBERG'S THEOREM
    1. You can't win
    2. You can't break even.
    3. You can't even quit the game.

RUDIN'S LAW
    In crises that force people to choose among
    alternative courses of action, most people will choose the
    worst one possible.

ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING
    (System Dynamics:)
    Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them
    is to use a larger can.

NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
    Negative expectations yield negative results.
    Positive expectations yield negative results.

HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW
    You never find an article until
    you replace it.

RICHARD'S COMPLIMENTARY RULES OF OWNERSHIP
    1. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
    2. If you throw it away, you will need it the next day.

LEWIS' LAW
    No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item,
    after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

PERLSWEIG'S LAW
    People who can least afford to pay rent,
    pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.

McCLAUGHRY'S LAW OF ZONING
    Where zoning is not needed,it will
    work perfectly. Where it is desperately needed, it will always
    break down.

FIRST LAW OF BICYCLING
    No matter which way you ride, it's
    uphill and against the wind.

THE AIRPLANE LAW
    When the plane you are on is late, the plane
    you want to transfer to is on time.

GLYME'S FORMULA
    The secret of success is sincerity. Once you
    can fake that, you've got it made.

FIRST LAW OF BRIDGE
    It's always the partner's fault.

HARTLEY'S LAW FOR LOVERS
    Never sleep with anyone crazier
    than yourself.

RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION
    When your cat has fallen asleep on
    your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will
    suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

LIEBERMAN'S LAW
    Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since
    nobody listens.

BOOB'S LAW
    You always find something the last place you look.

WADES EXPLANATION
    Once you've found it, you quit looking!

OSBORN'S LAW
    Variables won't; constants aren't.

PUDDER'S LAW
    Anything that begins well, ends badly,
    Anything that begins badly, ends worse.

ILES'S LAW
    There is always an easier way to do it.

COROLLARY
    When looking directly at the easier way,
    especially for long periods, you will not see it.

LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
    An object will fall so as to do the
    most damage.

JENNING'S COROLLARY
    The chance of the bread falling with the
    buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
    carpet.

SATTINGER'S LAW
    It works better if you plug it in.

FIRST LAW OF REVISION
    Information necessitating a change of
    design will be conveyed to the designer after- and only after -
    the plans are complete. (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law).

LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSION
    The piece that the plant forgot to
    ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.

    COROLLARY
    Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time
    they haven't even made it.

SECOND LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSION
    Truck  deliveries that normally
    take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

JOHNSON'S FIRST LAW
    When any mechanical contrivance fails,
    it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.

LAW OF THE LOST INCH
    In designing any type of construction,
    no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40p.m. Friday

    COROLLARY
    The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m.
    on Monday.

LOWERY'S LAW
    If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed
    replacing anyway.

EHRMAN'S COMMENTARY
    1. Things get worse before they get better.
    2. Who said things would get better?

SHAW'S PRINCIPAL
    Build a system that even a fool can use,
    and only a fool will want to use it.

LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
    There is always one more bug.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
    Any tool, when dropped,will roll
    into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

LAW OF ANNOYANCE
    When working on a project, if you put away a
    tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it
    instantly.

SCHMIDT'S LAW
    If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE
    Experience varies directly with
    the equipment ruined.

CAHN'S AXIOM
    When all else fails, read the instructions.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE
    Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

MURPHY'S LAW OF RESEARCH
    Enough research will tend to support
    your theory.

MAIER"s LAW
    If the facts do not conform to the theory,
    they must be disposed of.

WILLIAMS AND HOLLAND'S LAW
    If enough data is collected, anything
    can be proven by statistical methods.

YOUNG'S LAW
    All great discoveries are made by mistake.

COROLLARY
    The greater the funding, the longer it takes to
    make the mistake.

RULE OF ACCURACY
    When working toward the solution of a
    problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS
    Inside every large problem
    is a small problem struggling to get out.

MR. COOPER'S LAW
    If you do not understand a particular word
    in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will
    make perfect sense without it.

STEELE'S PHILOSOPHY
    Everybody should believe in something -
    I believe I'll have another drink.

STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
    It is easier to get forgiveness
    than permission.

HARRIS' LAMENT
    All the good ones are taken.

LAWS OF GARDENING
    1. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens
    2. Fancy gizmos don't work.
    3. If nobody uses it, there's a reason.

JONES' LAW
    The man who can smile when things go wrong has
    thought of someone he can blame it on.

TRUMAN'S LAW
    If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

FIRST LAW OF DEBATE
    Never argue with a fool - people might
    not know the difference.

WORKER'S DILEMMA
    1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
    2. What you don't do is always more important than what you do.

SECOND LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
    The less you enjoy serving
    on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so.

SHANNAHAN'S LAW
    The length of a meeting rises with the square
    of the number of people present.

OLD AND KAHN'S LAW
    The efficiency of a committee meeting is
    inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time
    spent on deliberations.

RULE OF THE GREAT
    When somebody you greatly admire and respect
    appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking
    about lunch.

MILLER'S LAW
    You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you
    step in it.

WELLINGTON'S LAW OF COMMAND
    The cream rises to the top.
    So does the scum.

BOREN'S LAWS
    1. When in doubt, mumble.
    2. When in trouble, delegate.
    3. When in charge, ponder.

COLE'S LAW
    Thinly sliced cabbage.

PATTON'S LAW
    A good plan today is better than a perfect
    plan tomorrow.

WEINBERG'S FIRST LAW
    Progress is made on alternate fridays.

PAULG'S LAW
    In America, it's not how much an item costs,
    it's how much you save.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
    Whoever has the gold
    makes the rules.

WESTHEIMER'S RULE
    To estimate the time it takes to do a task,
    estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and
    change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we
    allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.

PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW
    Expenditures rise to meet income.

WIKER'S LAW
    Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

PARKINSON'S LAW OF DELAY
    Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

CHEOP'S LAW
    Nothing ever gets built on schedule or
    within budget.

NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
    The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the
    time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

LEVY'S NINTH LAW
    Only God can make a random selection.

GRESHAM'S LAW
    Trivial matters are handled promptly;
    important matters are never solved.

THE MURPHY PHILOSOPHY
    Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.

MARKS' LAW
    A fool and your money are soon partners.

LAW OF INSTITUTIONS
    The opulence of the front office decor
    varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

JUHANI'S LAW
    The compromise will always be more expensive
    than either of the suggestions it is compromising.

JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY
    In order to get a loan you must
    first prove you don't need it.

REVEREND CHICHESTER'S LAWS
    1. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
    2. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
    3. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, church attendance
       will exceed all expectations.

MALEK'S LAW
    Any simple idea will be worded in the most
    complicated way.

O'BRIEN'S PRINCIPAL (THE $357.73 THEORY)
    Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line
    divisible by 5 or 10.

WEILER'S LAW
    Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
    have to do it himself.

WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
    If builders built buildings the way
    programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came
    along would destroy civilization.

THEORY OF SELECTIVE SUPERVISION
    The one time in the day that
    you lean back and relax is the one time the Boss walks through
    the office.

BARTH'S DISTINCTION
    There are two types of people: those who
    divide people into two types, and those who don't.

FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS
    Celibacy is not hereditary.

MR. COLE'S AXIOM
    The sum of the intelligence on the planet
    is a constant; the population is growing.

CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
    It's morally wrong to allow
    suckers to keep their money.

JONES' MOTTO
    Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

McCLAUGHRY'S CODICIL ^TO JONES' MOTTO
    To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

NEWTON'S LITTLE-KNOWN SEVENTH LAW
    A bird in the hand is
    safer than one overhead.

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
    Cleanliness is next to impossible.

JENKINSON'S LAW
    It won't work.

HAMILTON'S RULE FOR CLEANING GLASSWARE
    The spot you are
    scrubbing is always on the other side.

WALKER'S LAW OF THE HOUSEHOLD
    There is always more dirty
    laundry than clean laundry.

CLIVE'S REBUTTAL TO WALKER'S LAW
    If it's clean, it isn't laundry.

SKOFF'S LAW
    A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

FIRST LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
    In a family recipe you just
    discovered in an old book, the most vital measurement will
    be illegible.

SECOND LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
    Once a dish is fouled up,
    anything added to save it only makes it worse.

THIRD LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
    You are always complimented
    on the item which took the least effort to prepare.

    EXAMPLE
    If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be
    complimented on the baked potato.

FOURTH LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
    The one ingredient you make
    a special trip to the store to get will be the one your guest
    is allergic to.

CAPTAIN PENNY'S LAW
    You can fool all of the people some of
    the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't
    fool MOM.

BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE
    The probability of a young man meeting
    a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal
    progression when he is already in the company of
    (1) a date,
    (2) his wife,
    (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

LYNCH'S LAW
    When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

EVANS AND BJORN'S LAW
    No matter what goes wrong, there is
    always somebody who knew it would.

HELLRUNG'S LAW
    If you wait, it will go away.

SHAVELSON'S EXTENSION
    ... having done its damage.

GRELB'S ADDITION
    If it was bad, it'll be back.

DUCHARME'S PRECEPT
    Opportunity always knocks at the
    least opportune moment.

FLUGG'S LAW
    When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
    the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.

LAW OF THE SEARCH
    The first place to look for anything is
    the last place you would expect to find it.

MARYANN'S LAW
    You can always find what you're not looking for.

RUNE'S RULE
    If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

FURGUSON'S PRECEPT
    A crisis is when you can't say let's
    forget the whole thing.

NAESER'S LAW
    You can make it foolproof, but you can't
    make it damn-foolproof.

IMBESI'S LAW OF THE CONSERVATION OF FILTH
    In order for something to become clean, something else
    must become dirty.

FREEMAN'S EXTENSION
    ... but you can get everything dirty
    without getting anything clean.

GROSSMAN'S MISQUOTE OF H.L.MENCKEN
    Complex problems have
    simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

EDELSTEIN'S ADVICE
    Don't worry over what other people are
    thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are
    thinking about them.

FIRST LAW OF TRAVEL
    It always takes longer to get there than
    to get back.

CAFETERIA LAW
    The item you had your eye on the minute you
    walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.

ETORRE'S OBSERVATION
    The other line is always faster.

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION ON ETORRE'S OBSERVATION
    If you change
    lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the
    one you are now in.

KENTON'S COROLLARY
    Switching back screws up both lines and makes
    everybody angry.

THE QUEUE PRINCIPLE
    The longer you wait in line, the greater
    likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

FLUGG'S RULE
    The slowest checker is always at the quick-
    check-out lane.

WITTEN'S LAW
    Whenever you cut your fingernails you will
    find a need for them an hour later.

THOM'S LAW OF MARITAL BLISS
    The length of a marriage is
    inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

MURRAY'S FIRST RULE OF THE ARENA
    Nothing is ever so bad
    it can't be made worse by firing the coach.

MURRAY'S SECOND RULE OF THE ARENA
    A free agent is anything but.

MURRAY'S THIRD RULE OF THE ARENA
    Whatever can go to New York will..

KNOX'S PRINCIPAL OF STAR QUALITY
    Whenever a superstar is traded
    to your favorite team, he fades. Whenever your team trades away
    a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.

LAVIA'S LAW OF TENNIS
    A mediocre player will sink to the
    level of his or her opposition.

THE RULE OF THE RALLY
    The only way to make up for being
    lost is to make record time while you are lost.

HUTCHINSON'S LAW
    If a situation requires undivided attention,
    it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.

JONES' LAW OF ZOOS AND MUSEUMS
    The most interesting
    specimen will not be labeled.

HARRISON'S POSTULATE
    For every action, there is an equal
    and opposite criticism.

PERKINS' POSTULATE
    The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

LOFTUS' FIFTH LAW OF MANAGEMENT
    Some people manage by the
    book even though they don't know who wrote the book
    or even what book.

HECHT'S FOURTH LAW
    There's no time like the present for
    postponing what you don't want to do.

PARKINSON'S FIFTH LAW
    If there is a way to delay an important
    decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

ROGER'S RULE
    Authorization for a project will be granted
    only when none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project
    fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit if it
    succeeds.

MOLLISOMN'S BUREAUCRACY HYPOTHESIS
    If an idea can survive
    a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing.

GOURD'S AXIOM
    A meeting is an event at which the minutes are
    kept and the hours are lost.

WHISTLER'S LAW
    You never know who's right, but you always
    know who's in charge.

LOFTUS' THEORY ON PERSONNEL RECRUITMENT
    Far away talent always seems better then home-developed talent.

FIRST RULE OF NEGATIVE ANTICIPATION
    You will save yourself
    a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until
    you come to them.

PORKINGHAM'S FIRST LAW OF SPORT FISHING
    The worse your line
    is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

PORKINGHAM'S SECOND LAW OF SPORT FISHING
    The time available
    to go fishing shrinks as the fishing season draws nearer.

PORKINGHAM'S THIRD LAW OF SPORT FISHING
    The least experienced
    fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
    COROLLARY
    The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the
    greater chance of having to stop at the fish market on the way home.

SPENCER'S LAWS OF DATA
    1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
    2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
    3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

DREW'S LAW OF PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE
    The client who
    pays the least complains the most.

THAL'S LAW
    For every vision, there is an equal and opposite
    revision.

DINGLE'S LAW
    When somebody drops something, everybody
    will kick it around instead of picking it up.

LAW OF PROBABLE DISPERSAL
    Whatever hits the fan will not
    be evenly distributed.

JOE'S LAW
    The inside contact that you have developed at great
    expense is the first person to be let go in any reorganization.

PFEIFER'S PRINCIPLE
    Never make a decision you can
    get someone else to make.

LAW OF RERUNS
    If you have watched a TV series only once,
    and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

KITMAN'S LAW
    Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary
    drivel off the TV screen.

SWIPPLE RULE OF ORDER
    He who shouts loudest has the floor.

MATILDA'S LAW OF SUB-COMMITTEE FORMATION
    If you leave the room, you're elected.

HARDIN'S LAW
    You can never do just one thing.

KNAGG'S DERIVATIVE OF MURPHY'S LAW
    The more complicated and
    grandiose the plan, the greater the chance of failure.

GROSSMAN'S LEMMA
    Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

WETHERN'S LAW OF SUSPENDED JUDGEMENT
    Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

FIRST WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
    The one wrench or drill bit you need
    will be the one missing from the tool chest.

SECOND WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
    Most projects require three hands.

THIRD WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
    Leftover nuts never match
    leftover bolts.

FOURTH WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
    The more carefully you plan a
    project, the more confusion there is when something goes wrong.

JARUK'S SECOND LAW
    If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit,
    the company will insist upon repairing the old one.

    COROLLARY
    If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the
    company will insist on the latest model.

ROBERT'S AXIOM
    Only errors exist.

BERMAN'S COROLLARY TO ROBERT'S AXIOM
    One man's error is another
    man's data.

FIFTH LAW OF UNRELIABILITY
    To err is human, but to really
    foul things up requires a computer.

FIRST LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
    Important letters which contain
    no errors will develope errors in the mail.

    COROLLARY
    Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate
    while the boss is reading it.

SECOND LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
    Office machines which function
    perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you
    return to the office at night to use them for personal business.

THIRD LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
    Machines that have broken down
    will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

FOURTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
    Envelopes and stamps which
    don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when
    you don't want them to.

FIFTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
    Vital papers will demonstrate
    their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them
    to where you can't find them.

SIXTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
    The last person who quit or
    was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes
    wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

DEVRIES' DILEMMA
    If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the
    one you don't want hits the paper.

DEAL'S FIRST LAW OF SAILING
    The amount of wind will vary
    inversely with the number and experience of the people you
    take on board.

DEAL'S SECOND LAW OF SAILING
    No matter how strong the breeze
    when you leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point
    from port the wind will die.

SHEDENHELM'S LAW OF BACKPACKING
    All trails have more uphill
    sections than they have level or downhill sections.

YEAGER'S LAW
    Washing machines only break down during the
    wash cycle.

    COROLLARY
    All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

FINAGLE'S EIGHTH RULE
    Teamwork is essential. It allows you
    to blame someone else.

MURPHY'S GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE
    1. If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
    2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
    3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

LERMAN'S LAW OF TECHNOLOGY
    Any technical problem can be overcome
    given enough time and money.

LERMAN'S COROLLARY
    You are never given enough time or money.

THE RULER RULE
    There is no such thing as a straight line.

GRELB'S LAW OF ERRORING
    In any series of calculations, errors
    tend to occur at the opposite end from the end at which you begin
    checking for errors.

BREDA'S RULE
    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
    from the aisle arrive last.

MICHEHL'S RULE FOR PROSPECTIVE MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS
    The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.

FROTHINGHAM'S COROLLARY
    The mountain look closer than it is.

TODD'S FIRST LAW
    All things being equal, you lose.

    COROLLARY
    All things being in your favor, you still lose.

LAW OF LIFE'S HIGHWAY
    If everything is coming your way,
    you're in the wrong lane.

ATHENA'S RULE OF DRIVING COURTESY
    If you allow someone to get
    in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and
    the other car will get the last parking space.

McKEE'S LAW
    When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light
    will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.

DREW'S LAW OF HIGHWAY BIOLOGY
    The first bug to hit a clean
    windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

CAMPBELL'S FIRST LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
    If you can get
    to the faulty part, you don't have the tool to get it off.

CAMPBELL'S SECOND LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
    If you can get
    the part off, the parts house will have it back-ordered.

CAMPBELL'S THIRD LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
    If it's in stock,
    it didn't need replacing in the first place.

LEMAR'S PARKING POSTULATE
    If you have to park six blocks away,
    you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building.

BROMBERG'S FIRST LAW OF AUTO REPAIR
    When the need arises, any
    tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.

BROMBERG'S SECOND LAW OF AUTO REPAIR
    No matter how minor the
    task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

FEMO'S LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE ENGINE REPAIRING
    If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.

JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW
    If you miss one issue of any magazine,
    it will be the issue which contained the article, story or
    installment you were most anxious to read.

    COROLLARY
    All of your friends either missed it, lost it,
    or threw it out.

ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY
    No books are lost by lending
    except those you particularly wanted to keep.

BESS' UNIVERSAL PRINCIPALS
    1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door,
       fumbling for your keys.
    2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the
       caller hanging up.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
    When you dial a wrong number, you never
    get a busy signal.

SHIRLEY'S LAW
    Most people deserve each other.

ARTHUR'S FIRST LAW OF LOVE
    People to whom you are attracted
    invariably think you remind them of someone else.

ARTHUR'S SECOND LAW OF LOVE
    The love letter you finally got
    the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for
    you to make a fool of yourself in person.

BEDFELLOW'S RULE
    The one who snores will fall asleep first.

GILLENSON'S (de-sexed) LAW OF EXPECTATION
    Never get excited
    about a blind date because of how it sounds over the phone.

CHEIT'S LAMENT
    If you help a friend in need, he is sure to
    remember you - the next time he's in need.

DENNISTON'S LAW
    Virtue is its own punishment.

DENNISTON'S COROLLARY
    If you do something right once, someone
    will ask you to do it again.

RUBY'S PRINCIPAL OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
    The probability of
    meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone
    you don't want to be seen with.

JACOB'S LAW
    To err is human - to blame it on someone else
    is even more human.

ISKE'S TEENAGE COROLLARY TO PARKINSON'S LAW
    The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

BANANA PRINCIPLE
    If you buy bananas or avocados before they
    are ripe, there won't be any left by the time they are ripe.
    If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.

BRITT'S GREEN THUMB POSTULATE
    The life expectancy of a house
    plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its
    ugliness.

BALLANCE'S LAW OF RELIABILITY
    How long a minute is depends
    on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

JONES' FIRST LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
    The only new show worth
    watching will be canceled.

JONES' SECOND LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
    If there are only two
    shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.

JONES' THIRD LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
    The show you've been looking
    forward to all week will be preempted.

RUAN'S APPLICATION OF PARKINSON'S LAW
    Possessions increase
    to fill the space available for their storage.

CORNUELLE'S LAW
    Authority tends to assign jobs to those
    least able to do them.

ZYMURGY'S LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR
    People are always available
    for work in the past tense.

CONWAY'S LAW
    In any organization there will always be one
    person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

SEIT'S LAW OF HIGHER EDUCATION
    The one course you must take
    to graduate will not be offered during your last semester.

FIRST LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING
    Class schedules are designed
    so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes.

SECOND LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING
    A pre-requisite for a desired
    course will only be offered during the semester following
    the desired course.

FIRST LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
    When reviewing your notes before
    an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.

SECOND LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
    The more studying you did for
    the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

THIRD LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
    80% of the final exam will be based
    on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.

FOURTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
    Every instructor assumes that
    you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's
    course.

FIFTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
    If you are given an open-book
    exam, you will forget the book.

    COROLLARY
    If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
    where you live.

SIXTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
    At the end of the semester you will
    recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester
    and never attending.

DUGGAN'S LAW OF SCHOLARLY RESEARCH
    The most valuable quotation
    will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.

ROMINGER'S RULES FOR STUDENTS
    1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will
       learn from it.
    2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to
       apply it later.

WALLACE'S OBSERVATION
    Everything is in a state of utter
    dishevelment.

JOHNSON'S SECOND LAW
    If in the course of several months,
    only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all
    fall on the same evening.

TERMAN'S LAW OF INNOVATION
    If you want a track team to win
    the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not
    seven people who can jump one foot.

CHURCHILL'S COMMENTARY ON MAN
    Man will occasionally stumble
    over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up
    and continue on.

FARMER'S CREDO
    Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -
    then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

MATZ'S MAXIM
    A conclusion is the place where you get
    tired of thinking.

FAGIN'S RULE ON PAST PREDICTIONS
    Hindsight is an exact science.

MERKIN'S MAXIM
    When in doubt, predict that the trend
    will continue.

MEYER'S LAW
    It is a simple task to make things complex, but
    a complex task to make them simple.

HLADE'S LAW
    If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy
    man, he will find an easier way to do it.

MATZ'S RULE REGARDING MEDICATIONS
    A drug is that substance
    which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report.

COCHRAN'S APHORISM
    Before ordering a test decide what you
    will do if it is 1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are
    the same, don't do the test.

MOSER'S LAW OF SPECTATOR SPORTS
    Exciting plays occur only
    while you are watching the scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.

MURRAY'S RULE OF FOOTBALL
    The wrong quarterback is the one
    that's in there.

MURRAY'S LAW OF HOCKEY
    Hockey is a game played by six
    good players and a home team.

GROUND RULE FOR LABORATORY WORKERS
    When you do not know
    what you are doing, do it neatly.

LEE'S LAW
    In any dealings with a collective body of people,
    the people will always be more tacky than originally expected.

SPENCER'S LAWS OF ACCOUNTABILITY
    1. Trial balances don't.
    2. Working capital doesn't.
    3. Liquidity tends to run out.
    4. Return on investments won't.

O'BRIEN'S LAW
    Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.

WEBWE'S DEFINITION
    An expert is one who knows more and more
    about less and less until he knows absolutely everything
    about nothing.

WARREN'S RULE
    To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
    the job will take the longest and cost the most.

MARS' RULE
    An expert is anyone from out of town.

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
    Anything is possible if you don't know
    what you're talking about.

YOUNG'S LAW
    All great discoveries are made by mistake.

LAW OF REVELATION
    The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

SODD'S SECOND LAW
    Sooner or later, the worst possible set of
    circumstances is bound to occur.

FIRST PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
    Just because your doctor has
    a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

SECOND PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
    The more boring and out-of-date
    the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to
    wait for your scheduled appointment.

THIRD PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
    Only adults have difficulty with
    child-proof bottler.

FOURTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
    You never have the right number
    of pills left on the last day ofa prescription.

FIFTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
    If your condition seems to be
    getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

TELESCO'S FIRST LAW OF NURSING
    All the IVs are at the
    other end of the hall.

TELESCO'S SECOND LAW OF NURSING
    There are two kinds of
    adhesive tape
    the one that won't stay on and the one that won't
    come off.

WORKING COOK'S LAWS
    1. If you're wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn't.
    2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in,
       you did.

WITZLING'S LAW OF PROGENY PERFORMANCE
    Any child who chatters
    non-stop at home will refuse to utter a sound when asked to
    demonstrate for a visitor.

VAN ROY'S LAW
    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

FISH'S FIRST LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR
    The probability of a cat
    eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price
    of the food placed before it.

FISH'S SECOND LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR
    The probability that a
    household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the
    number and importance of your guests.

RON'S OBSERVATION ON TEENAGERS
    The pimples don't appear until
    the hour before the date.

JAFFE'S PRECEPT
    There are some things which are impossible
    to know - but it is impossible to know which things these are.

GRAY'S BUS LAW
    A bus will arrive only when the would-be
    rider has walked to a point so close to the destination that
    it is no longer worthwhile to board the bus.

LAW OF THE INDIVIDUAL
    Nobody really cares or understands
    what anyone else is doing.

PARKER'S LAW
    Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean
    to the bone.

THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
    People who love sausage and respect
    the law should never watch either one being made.

THE WATERGATE PRINCIPLE
    government corruption is always
    reported in the past tense.

TODD'S FIRST TWO PRINCIPLES
    1. No matter what they're telling you, they're not telling you
       the whole truth.
    2. No matter what they're talking about, they're taking about money.

MILES' LAW
    Where you stand depends on where you sit.

THE KENNEDY CONSTANT
    Don't get mad - get even.

BERNSTEIN'S PRECEPT
    The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.

FIRST LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
    The best shots happen immediately
    after the last frame is exposed.

SECOND LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
    The best shots are generally attempted
    through the lens cap.

THIRD LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
    The best shots will be ruined when
    someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door.

THE DIALECTICS OF PROGRESS
    Direct action produces direct reaction.

THE ARMY AXIOM
    Any order that can be misunderstood has been
    misunderstood.

IMHOFF'S LAW The organization of any bureaucracy is very much
    like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.

SPARK'S FIRST RULE FOR THE PROJECT MANAGER
    Strive to look tremendously important.

SPARK'S SECOND RULE FOR MANAGERS
    Attempt to be seen with
    important people.

SPARK'S THIRD RULE FOR MANAGERS
    Speak with authority; however,
    only expound on the obvious and proven facts.

SPARK'S FOURTH RULE FOR MANAGERS
    Don't engage in arguments,
    but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a
    satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going
    on - then quickly change the subject.

SPARK'S FIFTH RULE FOR MANAGERS
    Always keep the office door
    closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look
    as if you are always in an important conference.

JAY'S FIRST LAW OF LEADERSHIP
    Changing things is central to
    leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativeness.

JACQUIN'S POSTULATE ON DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT
    No man's life,
    liberty, or property are safe while legislature is in session.

TRISCHMANN'S PARADOX
    A pipe gives a wise man time to think
    and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

BUCY'S LAW
    Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

DEDERA'S LAW
    In a three-story building served by one elevator,
    nine times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor you are
    not.

THE SNAFU EQUATION
    The object or bit of information most needed
    will be the one least available.

TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE #1
    job control cards that
    positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.

TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE #2
    Profanity is the one
    language all programmers know best.

PROFESSOR BLOCK'S MOTTO
    Forgive and remember.

GLIB'S LAW OF UNRELIABILITY
    Computers are unreliable, but
    humans are even more unreliable.

LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
    You cannot successfully
    determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

HELLER'S LAW
    The first myth of management is that it exists.

JOHNSON'S COROLLARY
    Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere
    within the organization.

FREEMAN'S RULE
    Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent
    to become competent, at least in a specialized field.

Mc GOWAN'S CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AXIOM
    If an item is advertised
    as "under $50.00", you can bet it's not $19.95.

LUPOSCHAINSKY'S HURRY-UP-AND-WAIT PRINCIPLE
    If you're early, it'll be cancelled.
    If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will have to wait.
    If you're late, you will be too late.

DEHAY'S AXIOM
    Simple jobs always get put off because there
    will be time to do them later.

THUMB'S SECOND POSTULATE
    An easily-understood, workable falsehood
    is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.

EVAN'S LAW
    If you can keep your head when all about you are
    losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.

MATZ'S WARNING
    Beware of the physician who is great at getting
    out of trouble.

WISE FAN'S LAMENT
    Fools rush in - and get the best seats.

THOMAS' LAW
    The one who least wants to play is the one who will win

BROOK'S LAWS OF RETAILING

    Security isn't.
    Management can't.
    Sale promotions don't.
    Consumer assistance doesn't.
    Workers won't.

FINMAN'S BARGAIN BASEMENT PRINCIPLE
    The one you want is never
    the one on sale.

HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE
    Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED"
    isn't.

HERSHISER'S SECOND RULE
    The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED"
    means the price went up.

HERSHISER'S THIRD RULE
    The label "ALL NEW","COMPLETELY NEW"
    or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.

HADLEY'S FIRST LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
    If you like it, they
    don't have it in your size.

HADLEY'S SECOND LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
    If you like it and its
    in your size, it doesn't fit anyway.

HADLEY'S THIRD LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
    If you like it and it
    fits, you can't afford it.

HADLEY'S FOURTH LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
    If you like it, it fits,
    and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.

HERBLOCK'S LAW
    If it's good, they discontinue it.

GOLD'S LAW
    If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

BERYL'S LAW
    The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out
    a week after you've made your purchase.
COROLLARIES
    1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable".
    2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy".

MURPHY'S TENTH COROLLARY
    Mother nature is a bitch.

SINETETO'S FIRST LAW OF CONSUMERISM
    A 60-day warranty guarantees
    that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day.

FIRST RULE OF INTELLIGENT TINKERING
    Save all the parts.

LEWIS' LAW
    People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

LAW OF GIFTS
    You get the most of what you need the least.

CHISHOLM'S FIRST COROLLARY
    If you do something which you are
    sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.

CHICHOLM'S SECOND COROLLARY
    If you explain so clearly that nobody
    can misunderstand, somebody will.

QUANTUM REVISION OF MURPHY'S LAW
    Everything goes wrong all at once.

COOPER'S METALAW
    A proliferation of new laws creates a
    proliferation of new loopholes.

DIGIOVANNI'S LAW
    The number of laws will expand to fill
    the publishing space available.

THE LAST LAW
    If several things that could have gone wrong
    have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial
    for them to have gone wrong.

WADE'S ADVICE
    Never put off until tomorrow that which you could
    have forgotten about entirely.